I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
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