i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
