How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
