OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
