Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
