I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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