I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
