your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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