last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
