take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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