Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Be still, my beating vagina.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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