what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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