I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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