dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
