I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
