So drunk its hurt
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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