I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
