Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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