dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
