I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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