I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
