Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
