At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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