You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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