Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
