I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
