Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I smell like Dick and happiness
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
