I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
