I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
