made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
