the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
