i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
