were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize