You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
