i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
