I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
