no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
40s are totally the cure
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
