I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
