i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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