Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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