i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
