upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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