I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Non-Jews are for practice
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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