He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
