2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
