Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
