his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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