Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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