I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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