I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
