is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
