I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
