im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can you bring me the toilet please
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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