I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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