I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize