Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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