his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
