Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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