I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
